I am so sorry for doing this to you

A statement oft-repeated. One could say this in so many daily situations. Say for example, someone knocked another human being down, and spilled everything they were carrying over them as well. It may be an altercation causing episode, could hurt the parties physically. Supposing in the worst case scenario that it went too far, it may even cause long lasting mental trauma. But then maybe i am getting way ahead on a small accident.

A very unlikely situation could be hearing it from some random business partner of yours, who had ran away taking all the money, left you broke, and paying for some deep fraud charges as well, committed by you know who. This then would be a completely professional situation, one which involves courts, lawyers and lots of time. In some cases, police as well.

A sad and unsettling situation could be listening to it from a loved one. Not so because you don’t expect this to happen, in a relationship, in fact that should be one place or angle, from which you should see this coming from, way before it actually happens. Everywhere else it could be a bad shock at max, but when these words come from someone who has already said in the past that they love you, it feels like someone just punched in your empty stomach, real hard.

Its the people closest to us, who have this power to break us from within, with things as simple as spoken words. So much more so than any stranger in this world. It may be because we hand over to them our feelings on a platter. It could be because they are allowed to twist, turn and play with our emotions. And I am not saying that’s a bad thing. It just seems so much similar to trusting everyone driving on the road, not to run over you, just because they are driving fast and you are crossing it blindfolded. What’s wrong with expecting people will drive nicely and follow traffic rules?

After so many I am sorry’s of this sort, both saying and listening to, more listening than saying but of course, to and from people close to me, there is only one thing that can be boiled down as a lesson by my awfully slow, emotionally overloaded, brain. And that is, matters related to emotions are never simple. There. As soon as i have written this piece of self realisation, i am confused as to how something as common as this cannot be accepted and realised more often.

Why do our actions cause hurt? When we know we have the power to hurt someone, should we then, be more careful and pretend to be who we are not? Is it possible that our hurt is not dependent on any external force or action? Would that make us less emotional or a lesser human, if we knew how to control our hurt and not blame others for whatever happened? There maybe no definitive answers to any of these questions above, save a deeper understanding of what is the actual reason behind getting hurt, and that may make relations eventually a lot more simpler.

Every relation is based on equal or near equal parts of exchanges. Exchanges of care, expectations and values too, hopefully. How are these exchanges made then? They take place with the help of certain medium. Starting with language, vocal or sign, actions, ideas and promises, and finally tokens of affection, or a signed deal if it’s a marriage.

Working in either direction, upwards or downwards, left or right of it, any event can be divided in layers, each one pertaining to medium, and feelings, and that may help us realise what actually causes us to be hurt.

More often than not, it’s not what we say, or don’t say, also it’s not what we do or don’t do to ourselves and to others, with whom we maybe or may not be in a relation, which causes hurt. People, more commonly, humans have expectations, like the ones exchanged in more or less equal parts in any relation, from themselves and from partners in these relations, and it’s fear of unfulfillment of these which cause us to be hurt, angry and eventually unhappy even. In turn making us even more fearful. Depending on who is on what plane of maturity, which side of the action, and whose baggage of exceptions is it, which got shaken, there is eventually a perpetual flow of guilt. Of doing something wrong, or of being wronged.

It is a free world, may not be so much so free, but that’s what everyone seems to be fighting for, freedom from one thing or the other. Hence there has to be an equal number of freedom of choices as well. Choices which we can make on our own, or which are chosen for us by emotional parameters thrust upon us.

“I am so sorry for doing this to you”, doesn’t sound good if you are starting or ending a conversation with these words. It does make a good start for using all the mediums for sorting out our relations, though. 

For if we can keep aside our hurts, expectations, and wishes and listen to what the other person has got to say, maybe these words would only be then required for strangers on whose toes you stepped in the crowded local train, or state transport bus. But then that’s me speaking my mind, and I am not expecting much.